i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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