Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize