and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize