I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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