I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
