I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
