To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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