Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
