I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
