I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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