Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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