I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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