I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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