I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
