I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
