he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
