Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
