i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
