I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
