please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
