you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
