I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
