Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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