things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
sarcasm needs its own font
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
