I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
