Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
