i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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