she was so not down for the gang bang
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
