is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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