Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
