Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
