took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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