you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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