I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
