Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
