I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
be right there i have to get my cape
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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