I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
