My balls are so social today.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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