i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
