I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
