you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
jump out the window naked night went bad
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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