: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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