I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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