The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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