i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
