How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
