It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
