i think my mom watched the whole time
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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