my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
