the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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