Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
