DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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