Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
