I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
