ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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