She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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