i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
