I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
