Four minutes until I can fart!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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