life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
