So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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