Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
