I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
