she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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