why do cheetos always look like penises
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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