Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
