What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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