she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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