My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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