I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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