I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
